Previous Birthday Posts:

25: The Mystery of My Broken Heart — Realizing the Ugly Truth: Examining a Year and a Half of Life and Its Meaningless Cycle 24: Be Noteworthy — An attempt to find peace with who I am. 23: Dying Without Seeing You Again — Living on fire without putting yourself out — and cherishing the heat. 22: Accepting Good Responsibility — Happiness isn’t the Meaning of Life 21: Structure → Chaos — Musings on privacy, disruption and mindfulness. 20: Becoming an Adult — Turning Twenty is Weird.

It was a deep sleep, the kind you forget you were even in and then you wake from it in a panic. I have woken up. Life sneaks up from behind, cloaked me in a veil of forgetfulness, and I remind myself I ought to do more, do better, do good. It was in the moment that I decided to do it: Become a full-time writer. It was more than a dream, it was a chance to pull myself out of the rut I was in and make something of myself.

I’ve been writing on Medium for the past six years and I originally thought it was something I was doing just for fun — a way to prove to myself I finally taken the initiative to start a blog after daring myself to do so each time I thought about it. But–oh, how wrong I was. There’s an undeniable love.

Am I one of those people who only think they love writing? Carefully romanticize the pencil shavings and worn-leather notebooks, the pride derived from the cascade of words justified on paper and pixels. Sure, a lot of people fit the criteria, I am no different.

I have written hundreds of thousands of words beginning when I was only fourteen-years-old. I am already on a sixty-day streak of writing 750 words per day.

Before I even got to the point where I realized how much I loved writing I discovered another obstacle: the fear of starting. How often had I been so close, only to be paralyzed in fear? How often had I cherished the thought of publishing, knowing I was ready, but having a fear of failure? This never-ending cycle drowned my ambition and I felt ashamed that I let myself succumb for so long.

I’m determined to make this different. I learned — perhaps too late, one of the secrets to success was to start before you said you started. And that’s exactly what I did. I gave myself the time and space to write without reward and without expectation. I wanted to remind myself that the process was what truly mattered, not the outcome.

It’s important to create something of value readers will appreciate as much as I do. I’m also aware that failing can happen, so now I’m working on holding myself accountable. “Show your work” became my motto; I’m striving for transparency about my experience and progress, no matter where I’m taken. Most of all, I want to be able to make a living off of my passion and have my cake and eat it too.

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

My Identity

As I sit here trying to grasp what has happened over the last few years, I’m filled with so many questions. Where have I been? Who am I even? My name is Brennan Kenneth Brown, though my friends just call me Kenny.

I started off my “adult” life by dropping out of high school but made sure to get my diploma from Alternative High School in 2015 after which my father got me a job cooking at a children’s hospice. At the same time, I dove into a diploma in Information Technology and again, dropped out after a while. Last year, things changed when I completed a Full-Stack Development Bootcamp known as InceptionU.

But right in the middle of it all, something happened which changed my life forever: The pandemic began and my entire life plan was broken apart before my very eyes. I broke up with my long-time girlfriend and moved back in with my parents. My dreams were shattered and I hit rock bottom.

I was soon overwhelmed with confusion and I began to take my identity into my own hands. I questioned it all: the way people interacted with me, the way I interacted with people, my sexuality, even my gender identity. I was wrestling with my identity but also wrestling with being Métis in a still-very-colonial Canada. I did not have the luxury of growing up around my ancestral culture, I still mostly identified as white and it was only recently I truly understood how little I knew about my culture or identity as an Indigenous person. I wanted to take ownership of my heritage and find a new understanding of myself and the world around me.

I started from ground zero and forced myself to focus on the small details — my habits. Keeping a track of what I ate, how many steps I took, and how many words I wrote per day, etc. and I slowly started getting my life back together. A year later, I’m in a much better situation and I’m finally able to live my life the way I imagined.

(I’ve written about this religious already, on a site called Journal.kim, making a post per week for over a year, and over 50,000 words on the matter.)

My old self-improvement blog.
My old self-improvement blog.

Moving Forward

Getting accepted to Mount Royal University for the English Honours program with a minor in Creative Writing has changed everything. I cannot express how grateful and privileged I am for this opportunity to live my authentic dream and make it a reality. As part of the program, I plan to start a Creative Writing Club, helping aspiring writers in pursuing their dreams.

Apart from studying, I also plan to explore Calgary and all it has to offer. I’m looking forward to meeting new people, meeting my classmates, and just living life to the fullest. I’m planning to have an open mind and soak up all the experience the city (and the university) has to offer. On the other hand, one of the main goals I have set for myself is to continue understanding, and learning more about, my identity as a Queer and Métis person. My father is a Métis citizen, but growing up, I was not able to embrace and accept my heritage due to the fear of being judged and looked down upon.

So my plan is to discover more about the immense history and culture of these two rich and vibrant backgrounds and create a platform for dialogue among other youth about our shared experiences. I am also hoping to create a safe space in the Creative Writing Club for those who want to explore their identity, their sexuality and their relationship to the land and their roots. I’m hoping to open conversations and make living a Queer and Métis life more accessible and free for people who yearn for it but were never able to explore it.

I want to be there for Queer and Métis youth who are scared to know themselves because of the judgement that often accompanies our identities. I want them to know it is okay to embrace who they are, and they have a safe haven within the university.

Finally, I am hopeful my time at Mount Royal University will be the platform needed to reach the True North I have been searching for. That my time at the university will be enriching, inspiring, and empowering. That I can provide a platform for other Queer and Métis youth who are seeking understanding and unification.

My dream is to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and my culture. That I can be confident in my identity and make a difference in my community. That I can be there for those who are still struggling and needing a safe haven. That I can make a positive impact in the world.

I’m beginning my university life in a few months, which means I’m busy getting my things ready and tying up loose ends. I’m starting to get anxious but I’m determined to make the most out of every second and achieve my entire short and long term goals.

The Myth of Self-Improvement

There was a time when my life revolved around self-improvement and personal growth: I was consumed with reading articles, watching videos, committing to new habits, and writing blog posts detailing each project and goal I was working to achieve. Every week I wrote over 1000 words, and after a year I wrote enough to fill a 50,000-word book.

The process was, admittedly, both empowering and exhausting. I learned a lot about myself through it, and even improved my life in some ways, but it felt like something was missing.

This is where I am now, focusing less on (strictly) self-improvement and more on exploring and uncovering the potential of myself. A holistic approach to discovery and improvement so I decided to begin a new project — one of rediscovery.

With this project, I capture my experiences, unpack my ideas, and track my progress so I could continue learning, growing, and developing. I will commit to writing, like before, albeit in a different style, in order to capture my everyday observations and insights.

The discipline remains, dedicating regular time each week, but this time without a particular end-goal in mind. Instead of technical writing about specific tools like Beeminder, or self-quantification, there will be poetics waxed about the joys and sorrows of everyday life, document my experiences as a student, share my creative writing endeavors, and so much else.

Rediscovery is a process of trial and error, failure and success, joy and pain. It may take longer than I expect to uncover the startling truths of my life and realize who I truly am. Nevertheless, it’s a journey I look forward to taking, and I can’t wait to document, explore, and share it. My journey of rediscovery awaits.